Male 101: What Your Mother Forgot to Tell You

Men are issued upon birth a small pamphlet detailing our limited responses to any given situation. It’s five pages double spaced. Women please give us a break! For example, rule 18: If using the urinals and there isn’t at least one empty urinal between yourself and another male you must wait until there is. Unless you are about to pee your pants. Then it is perfectly acceptable because you are ensuring another man won’t have to wipe up the mess or his shoes.

Men & Women


Men are clueless: Really, we males are all mind readers? Perhaps when women grow a third eye we will do the same. Subtle DOES NOT work with guys. We don’t pick up on that especially if she is flirting, unless she touches our arm, bites her lower lip or runs her hand through her hair. This is what men look for! This is the secret that has passed from father to son since the beginning. Doing this is giving us a clear green light to proceed.

Men can’t put the seat up: Is it really just as hard to put it back down? MEN don’t miss the toilet seat but if for some weird chance we do there is usually a toilet paper dispenser right there. For the record, some of you women should try controlling that monster when you have to pee. That is not easy! Not to mention sometimes the stream wants to separate and while one goes into the toilet the other one ends up down your leg and on the floor! Women have it easier as most of their “plumbing is inside” while us guys are still forced to use an “outhouse”

Men are emotionless bastards: We for the record have cried five times: 1) When Optimus Prime died in TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE. 2) Whe we read Old Yeller died. 3) while injured 4) at the end of the NOTEBOOK when they choose to die together. Shut up, we men couldn’t help it! We are secretly romantic and 5.) When Dr. Mark Green(ER) died of a brain tumor. We cried like a baby that Thursday evening. Men love that show along with other manly shows. We might have with the exception of the first cried in private but we did weep(at least for a few seconds).

Men pay more attention to sports than me: Golf isn’t a sport YET….. Perhaps when when we are too old to play any other sport besides bowling or sumo. We don’t complain when you women cook, clean, sew, knit or sex us so please let us have our sports without complaint.

Men don’t verbalize: It has been scientifically proven women(as a whole) are better at verbal communication than males and use more words everyday. However “Do I look fat in this”, “what are you thinking”, “he has a nice butt”, and “buy me something” account for about 96% of this. Males only speak if they actually have something to say or contribute. Also “yes” and “no” are perfectly acceptable responses to almost any question.

Men don’t play by the rules in an argument: Yet it is women who keep a checklist of our faults and failures since kindergarten and throw them back in our faces during an agreement for no better purpose than to hurt us! Sometimes the past is the past. The fact I got a C in Algebra my Sophomore year in HS year IS NOT relevant for me not liking to do the dishes. Men forget the fight not to mention the argument within an hour and have already forgiven you for challenging us. We do earnestly hope you will learn to stop during that eventually!

Women without girlfriends scare us. That usually means they are somewhat jealous by nature or uncomfortable with themselves.

Men refuse to stop for directions: We have never been so lost we couldn’t find our way there or back home. I did end up at the Sears Tower in downtown Chicago once when I was driving to Addison,IL which was only 20 minutes away. It took me over 4 hours to get back BUT I DID GET BACK!

Couple on Drive

All men want a size 0 supermodel: Men aren’t as shallow as many women are lead to believe. Blame the porn industry and other women for glamorizing unrealistic/unhealthy standards. There is big girl porn and it does get bought(not by this author).

Men don’t like beauty: We disagree with that completely. If you doubt this seek out the Taj Mahal, any art gallery or browse a rack of music. We like colors, all of them. Except the flesh color. That one bothers men for some reason. Why haven’t they made a crayon with two colors say a mustard color with flecks of red? Polka doted crayons would BE AWESOME!

My man complains I have enough shoes: We men usually have four pairs of shoes: running shoes, work shoes, Timberland sandals(They get a shoutout because those things are indestructible) and dress shoes. We don’t understand why anyone would need more.

Men are never romantic: Don’t expect us to act like a soap opera guy if you don’t act like a Victoria Secrets girl.

Men are insensitive: If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying but it is just not worth the hassle.

Perhaps that solved some of the confusion between men and women or perhaps it created more but it had to be said! I doubt very much “MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS”. I believe we are probably a lot closer than we would like to admit at times, am I right?

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