Large Family Living: Table Chores

How does a large family get the kitchen cleaned up after mealtime?  Where there are no oxen the manger is clean, but we have a LOT of oxen around here.

Here I'm going to share how we get it all done.  Everyone in the family has a job to do and completes it to keep the dishes clean and the kitchen ready for the next meal. 

When age appropriate, children get "promoted" to a harder job after they are trained by the child currently filling that position.  We are about to make promotions again and that is one reason for this post.  I want to remember "how it used to be" because pretty soon, we'll change it up.

This is how we make it work for now:

Breakfast

• Monday thru Thursday I prepare breakfast, usually something simple.
• Stephen (6) takes the dishes to the sink, wipes down the table and sweeps the dining room and kitchen.
• Silas (4) pushes up all the chairs.
• Sarah Grace (8) empties and loads the dishwasher and starts it again.  She wipes down the counters. (This takes her a good while, about 45 minutes sometimes--but she is so encouraged when she gets a big job done like her sisters can do! :)
• On Friday and Saturday, Savannah (16) and Shelbi (17) cook breakfast and clean the kitchen, including mopping it and cleaning the microwave and other extras like cleaning out the pantry, etc.

Lunch

• I prepare lunch every day once we finish school projects.
• Sarah Grace (8) clears the dirty dishes from table, wipes it clean and sweeps the dining room and kitchen.
• Savannah (16) unloads and loads the dishwasher, wipes down counters and often bakes something delicious.
• Seth (12) takes out the garbage.

Supper

• I cook supper every night with Shelbi and Savannah assisting me.  They cut up vegetables, make dessert, whatever I need them to do.
• Seth (12) clears the table, wipes it down, sweeps the kitchen and dining room and takes out the trash.
• Savannah (16) unloads/loads the dishwasher, wipes down counters.

How does it work in your house?  Do you try to even out the kitchen chores?

What is the Secret to Happy Home Life?

J.R. Miller, The Secrets of Happy Home Life:

 

“What are some of the secrets of happy home life?

The answer might be given in one word – Christ.

Christ at the marriage-alter;

Christ on the bridal journey;

Christ when the new home is set up;

Christ when the baby is born;

Christ when a child dies;

Christ in the pinching times;

Christ in the days of plenty;

Christ in the nursery, in the kitchen, in the parlor;

Christ in the toil and in the rest;

Christ along all the years;

Christ when the wedded pair walk toward the sunset gates;

Christ in the sad hour when farewells are spoken, and one goes on before and the other stays, bearing the unshared grief;

 

Christ is the secret of happy home life.”

 

 

HT: NCFIC

 

Common-Sense-Gone-Controversial: The Training of Young Children

I can't remember anymore when I didn't have preschoolers.  And one thing I have learned is that what a child struggles with at two, he will struggle with at twenty if we are not there to train him in love, during these crucial years before age 5.  While he may learn to hide his issues later on in life, when needed in order to fit into "normal" society, the root character issues will still be there.

Although we must not let fear of the future rule us or shape the expectations we have of our children, the truth is we have a duty to train their outward behavior now, when they are young.

The realization that only a genuine conversion of the soul by God will effect the child's spiritual state before Him should undergird everything we teach our little ones.  But as parents we don't wait on the heart of the child to accompany the outward behavior.  It would be foolish to wait until a pure motive accompanied the child's actions, before we began training a child not to throw things, to come to us when he is called, or not to pulverize his sister.

This used to be common sense.  A no-brainer.  But in our "enlightened" generation these simple truths have become controversial.

God has given parents the authority and duty of shaping their children by training their flesh in the malleable years.  Biblical authority has been so distorted by society that the training and instruction of our children has been labeled as a wicked thing.  But this is false.

The Bible commands parents to teach our children to obey us (Eph. 6:1, 4) and to require them to honor our authority. And if we are not shaping our children then we can be sure they are being shaped by someone.  Either way, their lives are being molded.  The question is, who is doing it?

Expecting obedience and teaching them to honor, with love and gentleness, is showing them a picture of God's relationship to His children.

For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. Heb. 12:6

We can't do it perfectly.  I blow it very often.  But just because we don't do it perfectly, doesn't mean it shouldn't be before our eyes and what we're striving for.  Our ultimate goal is to lead our children to Christ.

Many times throughout the day small children need correction, sometimes for the same offense repeated again and again. Here are a few practical points I endeavor to be faithful in:

1.) Speak in Quiet Tones

This won't work if Junior is headed for a busy highway, but in normal circumstances I have found that speaking softly requires the little one to stop what they're doing, quiet down and strain a bit to hear me. A loud, stressed sound trains a child to only respond when this type of voice is used.

 2.) Look Him in the Eyes

I try to stoop down to the child's level and maintain eye contact with him when I'm correcting him. If I can't stop and kneel then I will at the least cup his face in my hands and gently coax him to look at me.

 3.) Take Your Time

Again, these are in average circumstances, not when you're in a dangerous situation and safety is at stake. But when possible, I try to give the child correction with words that are slow, deliberate and chosen well, instead of throwing out harsh rebukes willy nilly. Words, according to Prov. 18:21, are a matter of life and death.

 4.) Use Biblical Terminology

"Were you considering your sister more important than yourself?" rather than, "You were mean to your sister." 

or

"Are you using self-control?"  rather than "Quit doing that!"

 5.) Use Role Play

Re-enact the scene that just caused the need for correction, coaxing the child to behave in a God-honoring way.

 6.) Encourage and Love

Show love and affection and remind him that no matter how many mistakes he makes, he will always be loved by Mama...your love is not dependent on his good behavior.

Verbally give him encouragement for what you see him doing right.  Always be watching for an opportunity to encourage his heart. Somewhere I read that for every correction we must give, we should strive for ten encouragements.  And again, we can use Biblical terminology in our encouragement, such as "You were patient with your brother just then!" 

7.) Model Repentance. 

Ask forgiveness when you sin against him.  Because we all do. And we are thankful to be freely forgiven.

 7.) Give the Gospel

Teach him that his actions are sin against God and tell him that sin is why Jesus died for us. Help him understand that his offense is against God and not just something that irritates you. We can begin to help our little ones understand that even on their best behavior days, God does not love them more because of it (and neither do we). 

We can use these opportunities to turn their attention back to Christ each time, if we will just take the time (see #3).

8.) Build Cords of Fellowship

 I try to keep corrections as short as possible and move on to restoration (hugs and fun times) .

May the hearts of the parents and the hearts of the children be turned toward one another and may God set our feet on the right path as we lead our children to do the same.

Is there anything you would add to this list? What are some other tips to help our little ones be lovingly trained in righteousness?

Weekend Links: The New Legalism, Being a Burden to Your Children & More

Latest trends in evangelical circles say real Christians must be living "radically different."  Who defines what is "radically different?"

"I continue to be amazed by the number of youth and young adults who are stressed and burnt out from the regular shaming and feelings of inadequacy if they happen to not be doing something unique and special. Today’s Millennial generation is being fed the message that if they don’t do something extraordinary in this life they are wasting their gifts and potential. The sad result is that many young adults feel ashamed if they “settle” into ordinary jobs, get married early and start families, live in small towns, or as 1 Thess 4:11 says, “aspire to live quietly, and to mind [their] affairs, and to work with [their] hands.” For too many Millennials their greatest fear in this life is being an ordinary person with a non-glamorous job, living in the suburbs, and having nothing spectacular to boast about."

Read The New Legalism: Missional, Radical, Narcissistic and Shamed.


Choosing life in the big and small:

"Far from having done our part when we carry a baby to term, we can continue to choose life every day. Every day we choose the life of another over our own life. Every day we can lay down our desires, our selfish ambition, our self-importance, and choose life. And of course this is not unique to mothers — every Christian has the means of fighting for life by laying theirs down for those around them."

Read Jancovic's The Real Life of the Pro-Life Home


Talk About Counter-Cultural Thinking.  I love this post by Russell Moore. 

"I want to live long enough to be a burden to my children."

"I certainly wouldn’t want my children, when I’m elderly, to have to suffer in caring for me in the throes of dementia or cancer or paralysis. But when I peel that back further, in my case, the real issue for me is simple: pride.


Read Russell Moore's Do You Want to Be a Burden to Your Children?


Have a wonderful weekend friends!

Whose Thursday Is It?

Originally published 2/16/12

Whose Thursday is it?

The question comes from me. Because they always know whose Thursday it is.

For almost a year of Thursdays now, each child goes to lunch alone with Mama. They choose a restaurant they'd like to eat at and perhaps an errand to run before heading back home.

Will it be a chatter Thursday? A little magpie with a Texas drawl that chooses a fried chicken lunch and asks non-stop questions like just how long does it take for front teeth to grow back? And Mama, do you really think Solomon would have cut that baby in half? And why does that lady have a hole in her pants? And how many more days is it til the baby comes, Mama?

Maybe it will be a young man Thursday. The day that the door gets held open wide for Mama, heavy items are kindly lifted, and the gas is pumped by a man-cub shivering in the cold. A slightly-squeaky-voice-Thursday and a let's-go-to-a-pizza-buffet-so-I-can-eat-as-much-as-I-want-to-Thursday. And can we stop and get some more guitar strings before we head home, Mama?

Maybe it's a sober, let's-enjoy-the-quiet-lunch-Thursday with a young woman who continues to blossom before my eyes, who surpassed me in grace and beauty long ago. It's a let's-talk-about- worldview-and-politics-Thursday, and can-we-drop-by-the-library-Thursday. Oh, and do you want me to drive? We'd better stop by the grocery store because you know we're out of ______, Mama.

Perhaps it's a McDonald's Thursday. The day that two little cowboys unstrap their holsters and toy pistols for a brief moment. Mama runs ragged and she pretends that it's really not that noisy in here and the food really is tasty and she chooses not to think about the cooties lurking on that slide or the creepy toys in the Happy Meal. It's a watch-what-I-can-do-Thursday and a we're-hyper-and-loving-it-Thursday and just five more minutes please, Mama?

It could be the favorite corn dog stand and let's-get-a-lemonade-Thursday with a precious 15 year old that wears a permanent mischievous grin . The day I laugh til my sides hurt and we browse the store aisles and pick our jaws off the floor at the styles and decide to shop for shoes instead. It's a Mama-can-you-turn-up-this-song-Thursday and better-stop-for-more-goat-feed-because-I'm-almost-out-Thursday.

I love Thursdays.

It's the ordinary. It's the every day. It's the string of familiar that make up the memories.

Make the most of your Thursday today...

When There is No Joy to be Found in Motherhood

This is a letter I recently received:

I prayed for 2 years to be able to stay home with my daughter and son I was then pregnant with. When my son was born 2 years ago, the Lord answered that prayer. Today I have a 2 and a 4 year old. I'm so thankful to have the privilege of being home with them; however I'm having major problems. I feel like I'm just drained, I find myself not wanting to spend time with them. I just can't take the constant needs, wants, cries, fights, spills and so on and so on. It starts the second they wake up. Especially my 4 year old daughter is just discontent with everything, if I give her this, she wants that, if I give her 2 she wants 3. I can't stand waking up to the immediate demands. I'm praying, begging the Lord to change my heart and help me find joy in being with my children. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.  I feel guilty that I do feel this way, like I'm squandering a huge gift God has given me.  I just want to be content and have joy in being with my kids.

 

First of all, dear sister, if we were face to face we’d have some chocolate and share a hug and you’d hear my empathetic tone. That’s because I have been right where you are and probably every woman reading this has been too.

Motherhood brings great blessings, love and laughter, and yet there are also times I cry after a hard day. We are all weak, frail humans and God knows we are but dust. In every home, not just yours, the days are full of sweet and wonderful moments, as well as hard ones. Harsh words are exchanged, messes are made and life simply isn’t one continuous rainbow.

What do we do when we don’t have the “joy, joy, joy, joy down in our hearts?” We can’t stay in that place of feeling dejected and gloomy because it is sin. We must repent of our inward complaining spirit because even when the dishes are piled high, the baby's diaper just had a blow-out and the four-year-old isn’t (seemingly) responding to discipline, we are still called to be a joyous people:

Shout for joy in the Lord, O you righteous! Praise befits the upright. Psalm 33:1

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit   Romans 14:7

And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength  Neh. 8:10b

Jesus had joy as he was going to the cross (Hebrews 12:2) and so I know he can empower me through his Word and Spirit to have joy even when I don’t feel joyful. He has given us everything we need that pertains to life and godliness...even joy in the midst of constant demands that leave our flesh ripped to shreds.

David lost joy at times, and he prayed that God would “restore” his joy. (Ps 51:12)

And so I think you are right when you say you are praying God would give you joy. The Lord hears the cry of His people. Keep praying.

Breaking Down the Problem

Sometimes identifying why we feel a certain way can help us take those thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ and I want to offer you some possibilities of why you may feel as you do. You mentioned that you prayed for two years to be able to stay home and God has answered that prayer. I certainly don’t know this about you, but it could be possible that motherhood was over-romanticized in your mind. Motherhood is work. Hard work. It’s why many people avoid having children, or send them off to the state to educate or even abandon them altogether. There are even support groups now for women who have abandoned their children.

Motherhood is not for the faint-of-heart and the sooner we understand that, the easier our adjustment will be. Take this gentle creature, for example:

Isn't she lovely?  I love this photo.  But I look more like Big Bird when I’m pregnant, than this serene and noble lady here. One would never dream that behind this dignified countenance she has hemorrhoids, varicose veins or a variety of other unpleasant maladies that accompany pregnancy.

What about this photo?

Another beauty.  This child appears to be accepting correction from her mother so tenderly, doesn't she?  Yet reality is it is very hard work to raise up children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. To be consistent in training them to obey. To teach them the ways of the Lord and discipline their minds to memorize the scriptures.

There must be a balance before us of proclaiming the nobility and greatness of motherhood—because it is noble and great (this is the next generation, people!) —and the hard truth that sometimes life ain’t purty.

All of this to say, ask yourself if your expectations are realistic for what life with two littles should look like. You are in the planting phase of motherhood and that requires a lot of weeding. 

Motherhood is wonderful, fun, exciting, fulfilling and a beautiful blessing. It’s also a self-denying, exhausting work that requires the Lord’s strength.

Entitlement

Our brains are so pickled in feminism that we don’t realize that many times we have problems with entitlement. In a world that tells us we "deserve the best," this is not a popular message. I mean...

I am entitled to drink this coffee while it is still hot.

I am entitled to have a night of uninterrupted sleep.

I am entitled to some me-time (I do not think “me time” is always wrong, but we can easily be off-balance. Read: What About Me Time).

Feelings of entitlement, that we deserve this or that, can make us inwardly seethe and become bitter because there is always this battle with the flesh going on.  We don’t “deserve” anything in this life, except the burning fires of hell. Anything else we get are sprinkles on a big ol cupcake. There is great freedom in giving over your rights to another.  Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. John 12:24

Many times I have felt discontent and sorrow rising in my heart, when entitlement was the root issue. I love Amy Carmichael’s poem “Calvary Love.”   I have read it often when I think I just can't give anything else up for my family.  Her words call me back and refresh my spirit.

The Four-Year-Old

I have eight children and they are all over the map in how they respond to discipline. Some have been more compliant while others have been strong-willed. I would encourage you, that being strong-willed can be a blessing but must be a quality that is redeemed by the Lord. I wrote a little about strong-wills right here.

But what you are describing does not sound like a child who is honoring your authority over her (Read: When Your Daughter Isn’t Pollyanna). The kindest and most loving thing you can do for your daughter is teach her to honor and obey you. It would take an entire blog post just for that statement, but I want to recommend a few resources for you: Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Ted Tripp and Doorposts' For Instructions in Righteousness are two very practical books. Also, Rachel Jancovic’s Loving the Little Years would be a great encouragement to you.

Talk to Yourself, Don't Let Your Self Talk to You

Sometimes, we must choose the joy for ourselves, not waiting on the feeling to arrive.  If we play the part of a joyful mother, many times our hearts will follow later.  (Read: You Have to Choose It). We can recite the scriptures, meditate on them and dwell on whatever is good (Phil. 4:8), refusing to let the Enemy bring us down.

Preach the gospel to yourself.

We have to understand who we are as Christians positionally, before we can understand what it means for us practically, and we must remind ourselves of it everyday. Jerry Bridges, in his book Respectable Sins says a lot about preaching the gospel to yourself. However, here is a good explanation as well. Many of us don't realize who we are in Christ, and how we are to abide in Him.

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. John 15:4

Sister, again, I have felt like you have.  Persevere and weary not in well-doing.  The Lord is your strength. I pray the Lord will give you the joy you seek in this season of motherhood.  You said rightly that it is a precious gift.


Soli Deo Gloria,

Domestic Warfare

One of the greatest tactics of the enemy is one of luring us into compromise. Another powerful tool of his?  Distraction. If the enemy can distract us via the god of mammon or lure us into thinking our Biblical role as women can be accomplished outside the sphere he designed for us, he has won a great battle.

Where is the sphere the Lord designed us for? The home.

Homes today are larger and more beautiful than ever, yet they stand empty all day existing only as a place to grab a bite to eat or sleep a few hours.  Life, we reason, happens outside the home.

But this is not consistent with what the scripture teaches.

A woman's job and influence in her home is paramount.

Read Domestic Warfare at A Wise Woman Builds Her Home.