This is a letter I recently received:
I prayed for 2 years to be able to stay home with my daughter and son I was then pregnant with. When my son was born 2 years ago, the Lord answered that prayer. Today I have a 2 and a 4 year old. I'm so thankful to have the privilege of being home with them; however I'm having major problems. I feel like I'm just drained, I find myself not wanting to spend time with them. I just can't take the constant needs, wants, cries, fights, spills and so on and so on. It starts the second they wake up. Especially my 4 year old daughter is just discontent with everything, if I give her this, she wants that, if I give her 2 she wants 3. I can't stand waking up to the immediate demands. I'm praying, begging the Lord to change my heart and help me find joy in being with my children.
I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I feel guilty that I do feel this way, like I'm squandering a huge gift God has given me. I just want to be content and have joy in being with my kids.
First of all, dear sister, if we were face to face we’d have some chocolate and share a hug and you’d hear my empathetic tone. That’s because I have been right where you are and probably every woman reading this has been too.
Motherhood brings great blessings, love and laughter, and yet there are also times I cry after a hard day. We are all weak, frail humans and God knows we are but dust. In every home, not just yours, the days are full of sweet and wonderful moments, as well as hard ones. Harsh words are exchanged, messes are made and life simply isn’t one continuous rainbow.
What do we do when we don’t have the “joy, joy, joy, joy down in our hearts?”
We can’t stay in that place of feeling dejected and gloomy because it is sin. We must repent of our inward complaining spirit because even when the dishes are piled high, the baby's diaper just had a blow-out and the four-year-old isn’t (seemingly) responding to discipline, we are still called to be a joyous people:
Shout for joy in the Lord, O you righteous! Praise befits the upright. Psalm 33:1
For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit Romans 14:7
And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength Neh. 8:10b
Jesus had joy as he was going to the cross (Hebrews 12:2) and so I know he can empower me through his Word and Spirit to have joy even when I don’t
feel joyful.
He has given us everything we need that pertains to life and godliness...even joy in the midst of constant demands that leave our flesh ripped to shreds.
David lost joy at times, and he prayed that God would “restore” his joy. (Ps 51:12)
And so I think you are right when you say you are praying God would give you joy. The Lord hears the cry of His people. Keep praying.
Breaking Down the Problem
Sometimes identifying why we feel a certain way can help us take those thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ and I want to offer you some possibilities of why you may feel as you do.
You mentioned that you prayed for two years to be able to stay home and God has answered that prayer. I certainly don’t know this about you, but it could be possible that motherhood was over-romanticized in your mind.
Motherhood is work. Hard work. It’s why many people avoid having children, or send them off to the state to educate or even abandon them altogether. There are even
support groups now for women who have abandoned their children.
Motherhood is not for the faint-of-heart and the sooner we understand that, the easier our adjustment will be.
Take this gentle creature, for example:
Isn't she lovely? I love this photo. But I look
more like Big Bird when I’m pregnant, than this serene and noble lady here. One would never dream that behind this dignified countenance she has hemorrhoids, varicose veins or a variety of other unpleasant maladies that accompany pregnancy.
What about this photo?
Another beauty. This child appears to be accepting correction from her mother so tenderly, doesn't she?
Yet reality is it is very hard work to raise up children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. To be consistent in training them to obey. To teach them the ways of the Lord and discipline their minds to memorize the scriptures.
There must be a balance before us of proclaiming the nobility and greatness of motherhood—because it
is noble and great (this is the next generation, people!) —and the hard truth that sometimes life ain’t purty.
All of this to say, ask yourself if your expectations are realistic for what life with two littles should look like.
You are in the planting phase of motherhood and that requires a lot of weeding.
Motherhood is wonderful, fun, exciting, fulfilling and a beautiful blessing. It’s also a self-denying, exhausting work that requires the Lord’s strength.
Entitlement
Our brains are so pickled in feminism that we don’t realize that many times we have problems with entitlement. In a world that tells us we "deserve the best," this is not a popular message. I mean...
I am
entitled to drink this coffee while it is still hot.
I am
entitled to have a night of uninterrupted sleep.
I am
entitled to some me-time (I do not think “me time” is always wrong, but we can easily be off-balance. Read:
What About Me Time).
Feelings of entitlement, that we
deserve this or that, can make us inwardly seethe and become bitter because there is always this battle with the flesh going on. We don’t “deserve” anything in this life, except the burning fires of hell. Anything else we get are sprinkles on a big ol cupcake. There is great freedom in giving over your rights to another.
Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. John 12:24
Many times I have felt discontent and sorrow rising in my heart, when entitlement was the root issue.
I love Amy Carmichael’s poem
“Calvary Love.” I have read it often when I think I just can't give anything else up for my family. Her words call me back and refresh my spirit.
The Four-Year-Old
I have eight children and they are all over the map in how they respond to discipline. Some have been more compliant while others have been strong-willed. I would encourage you, that being strong-willed
can be a blessing but must be a quality that is redeemed by the Lord. I wrote a little about strong-wills right
here.
But what you are describing does not sound like a child who is honoring your authority over her (Read:
When Your Daughter Isn’t Pollyanna). The kindest and most loving thing you can do for your daughter is teach her to honor and obey you. It would take an entire blog post just for that statement, but I want to recommend a few resources for you: Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Ted Tripp and Doorposts' For Instructions in Righteousness are two very practical books. Also, Rachel Jancovic’s Loving the Little Years would be a great encouragement to you.
Talk to Yourself, Don't Let Your Self Talk to You
Sometimes, we must choose the joy for ourselves, not waiting on the feeling to arrive. If we play the part of a joyful mother, many times our hearts will follow later. (Read:
You Have to Choose It). We can recite the scriptures, meditate on them and dwell on whatever is good (Phil. 4:8), refusing to let the Enemy bring us down.
Preach the gospel to yourself.
We have to understand who we are as Christians
positionally, before we can understand what it means for us practically, and
we must remind ourselves of it everyday. Jerry Bridges, in his book Respectable Sins says a lot about preaching the gospel to yourself. However,
here is a good explanation as well.
Many of us don't realize who we are in Christ, and how we are to abide in Him.
Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. John 15:4
Sister, again, I have felt like you have. Persevere and weary not in well-doing. The Lord is your strength. I pray the Lord will give you the joy you seek in this season of motherhood. You said rightly that it is a precious gift.
Soli Deo Gloria,