Intro to this series is here.
Before I begin this post I’m going to identify some assumptions that I’m making, for clarity’s sake:
- I’m assuming you are a Christian.
- I’m assuming that you are married or intend to be someday.
- I’m assuming that you are not challenged by infertility issues (Although this post is about an attitude not an "amount" of children, God, in His sovereign and perfect plan for you, "doeth all things well").
- I’m assuming that your life is not put at risk by becoming pregnant.
Several months ago I was in the grocery store with three of my daughters. I do enjoy taking individual children with me on errands, or sometimes a small group at a time. This was one of those days.
I was wearing my baby in a wrap, which works like a grandma magnet. An older woman who looked to be in her late 60’s, stopped me to admire the baby. She peered sweetly into the wrap and expressed her approval. Then she looked up and noticed my two other daughters (who incidentally were looking proud as peacocks because of their new sister). I smiled and introduced my other two daughters to this stranger and at this point she loudly declared,
“Honey, didn’t you KNOW any better?” and then began to laugh loudly (then nervously when I didn’t laugh along with her).
Yes, I refrained from telling her that there were five more children at home. Didn’t want the poor soul to have a coronary.
I Don’t Need More, Thank You
The widespread mind-set about children is that, overall, they exist to fulfill the needs of adults. If you don’t feel a need in your life to have yourself any, then don’t. If you do choose to have them, then you need to stop when you “feel done”. The overall consensus is that when children are no longer fulfilling a need, then they become at best an inconvenience and at worst, a burden. This is a common attitude towards children, even inside the church.
If we were able to get inside the woman's mind that I bumped into in the store, we would probably find that her comment about "not knowing any better" was based on her logic that the other two daughters must have been mistakes because:
a.) No one needs more than one or two children to fill a warm, fuzzy, maternal need in their life. Or
b.) More than one or two is too much work. We live our lives to please Self, therefore what isn't fun, should never be done.
(For the record, I do find pleasure and yes even fun in my children. My point is that this is not the reason to have children.)
Let’s “Use Common Sense!”
Most people, even Believers, determine their own family size based on selfishness, fear and natural, human reason. The process may go something like this:
“How will we ever afford to send that many kids to college?”
“Our house isn’t big enough.”
“I’m too impatient. The two I have drive me crazy.”
“My friends (or parents) will think we’re crazy if we have more than two or three.”
“We can’t possibly let the Lord decide how many kids we should have or we could end up like the Duggars!”
"No thanks, I like my sleep, privacy, freedom, etc."
But God asks us many times to act in faith--not within our current levels of understanding. "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death." Prov. 14:12
Burden vs Blessing, Man vs God
The world says, “Children are a burden.” The Bible says, “Children are a blessing.” Yet we look up to heaven and cry, “Oh Lord, no more blessings!” Someone is wrong here and it’s either humans…or God. The creatures or the Creator. Only one of us can be right.
Also? The world tells us, “The purpose of marriage is to make you happy. Then you can also have a few children if that makes you happy.” The Bible tells us marriage is to glorify God and that procreating is one of the vital purposes. (Mal. 2:15)
Finally, the world and our flesh tells us to avoid the difficult and seek the easy path. A path that doesn’t require sacrifice, too many sleepless nights or stretch marks. A path that leaves plenty of time to go to the gym, read a good novel or have a career.
The Bible, on the other hand, says:
Lose your life, you’ll find it (Matt. 10:39).
Be the slave of all (Mark 10:44).
This life is temporary, invest in the eternal (Matt. 6:20).
The War Against Life is a Spiritual One
Many folks never even consider that using birth control could be anything but exercising common sense, but I truly believe it is a spiritual war (Eph. 6:12). Consider that the birth control pill was conceived (no pun intended) in the mind of Margaret Sanger who said, "The most merciful thing that a large family does to one of its infant members is to kill it."
From the dawn of time there has been a war against life. The war didn’t begin with the invention of the birth control pill, it began in the Garden of Eden.
God is the creator, author and giver of life. It shouldn’t surprise us that as the sworn enemy of God, Satan hates life. In the book of Genesis He persuaded Adam and Eve to eat the forbidden fruit that would cause them to die, as God had promised. We see him incite Cain to kill his brother Abel.
Throughout the Old Testament we see God commanding the Israelites to destroy the pagan nations who killed their own children, sacrificing them to idols. Back then people sacrificed their children to idols like Molech. Today we place them on sacrificial altars called freedom, self-indulgence and convenience.
Satan has come to steal, kill and destroy life and that is just what he is doing. Why? "Every child that is born has the potential to thwart his purposes and receive the grace of God and become a subject in the kingdom of God" ~Nancy Leigh DeMoss
How Does He Steal?
He steals life from us when we listen to his lies and prevent the lives that God would create.
How Does He Kill?
He kills through abortifacient methods of birth control such as birth control pills and IUDs as well as by the hands of abortionists.
How Does He Destroy?
He destroys future generations by stopping them before they ever exist.
God is the Creator (1 Peter 4:19), Author (Acts 3:15) and Giver of life (1Tim. 6:13). He sent Jesus that we would have life and have it more abundantly (John 10:10). Jesus is called the Bread of Life (John 6:48). He is the Resurrection and the Life (John 11:25) and He is the way, the truth and the life (John 14:6). He brought life and immortality to light through the gospel (2 Tim. 1:10). He has reserved a crown of life for those who are steadfast under trial (James 1:12), and He makes known to us the path of life (Psalm 16:11).
We are so easily squeezed into the world's mold with it's anti-child philosophy. We must see these philosophies for what they are. We must fight this battle for life by bearing children if God will so bless us. We must love children and see them for the potential they hold to take light into the next generation, looking beyond today's spilled milk and tortorous phonics lessons, and instead keep eternity stamped on our eyeballs.
22 comments:
Hi there Bambi, i have been a reader for quite a while but wanted to comment and ask a question? I have two beautiful daughters, both under 5. My first pregnancy was hard, but the second was horrific. I had serious complications, my daughter was premature and I almost lost my life due to Hellp Syndrome. The Dr's said 'no more for you, next time you may not be so fortunate', not to mention how traumatic the whole thing was for my eldest daughter, but God was faithful to bring us through that dark season and now all is well. My question is, is that a few women at Church have asked me if I would have more and when I have expressed no, they have said that I need to trust in God alone and not put my faith in what the Dr's say. This seems a bit unwise as I always viewed the medical care I received as a blessing from God and was so thankful that I had great surgeons, NICU Dr's etc. What advice would you give to a woman like me, i have no desire to ever go through a situation like that ever again, but i also want to glorify God in my choices in regards to family planning. Any advice?
Thanks
LH
I am enjoying reading these posts and am learning so much :) Looking forward to reading the next post in the series. Thank you for writing and for being a great, godly example. I am so thankful that the Lord allowed me to find your blog.
Blessins to you,
Libby
PS- that picture of Serenity is absolutely precious. She is such a cutie <3
Good post! I agree with what you've shared and love all the scriptures, b/c that's where the real truth is found - in God's Word. I have lots of questions about specific scenarios, but I will wait to see what you have in your future posts in this series. ~M.K.
Thank you, Libby :)
Lauren,
I'm so thankful to hear how The Lord brought you through the trial of HELLP syndrome in your pregnancy! It does sound like it was quite a scary ordeal.
I am not advising here for anyone to put their life in danger...and yes there are a few cases that pregnancy does put the mother's life at risk. Because of the effects of sin on the world, our bodies do not always function like we would like! However, I think it would be wise to not make any permanent decisions because from what I understand HELLP is not always recurring nor does it always end up as yours did with such extreme complications. Another doctor might be more supportive of you becoming pregnant again someday when your body has recovered from such a traumatic event.
Hope this helps!
When those at the grocery store stare wide eyed at me and make comments, I always draw myself up proudly and say "and this isn't all of them!" just to see their faces. I no longer care what the world says about my Big Family or my womb or my insanity.
What worries me and grosses me out more is the Church's attitude toward families and really, Big Families. I could list reason upon reason why this attitude grosses me out, but for lack of space and time, I'll just say that the Church is supposed to be different and set apart from the world, not just like them.
This article was totally right on and I'm looking forward to reading more. You write succinctly, lovingly, but hard-as-nails truthfully.
I'm so glad you're getting these truths out there!
Love this series! My heart is right where your's is! When people look and comment about my three young children, and how I "have my hands full", I just smile and joyfully say "better to have them full than empty!"
Amen, Bambi.
If you have experienced life threatening pregnancies and are advised not to conceive again, consider the blessing of adoption. Sometimes, what would seem like "plan B" for adding to your family, is God's "plan A" for you and the life of a special child.
Kim Crawford
Kim, SUCH an excellent point. Thanks for that! :)
I love this post and your clarity, Bambi. I especially like your emphasis on LIFE!
Your were spot-on when you revealed that the world sees the purpose of children is to "fulfill the needs of adults." I was flabbergasted when a friend condemned me for doing a fundraiser for a family to adopt. They saw adoption as a very selfish thing that you should not ask help with. This is completely upside-down thinking! This family, and most I know who are adopting, are doing it out of love for a child who needs God and a family...NOT for fun for themselves! A child is a valuable eternal soul, precious to God...not a possession like a sports car!
Looking forward to the rest of the series...thanks for your courage in speaking out!
Thank you, Paula.
Yes, "upside down" thinking, indeed :( Adoption is one of the least-selfish things I can think of.
One time someone told me that parents homeschool their children because they are lazy. Lol! More upside down thinking...:(
We LOVE our big family! Well said, Bambi. Thanks for taking the time to post.
I love big families and always wished I'd had more siblings. In my own situation my husband and I desired to follow Biblical principles and also have a large family. However I will share my two problems. Number one was that I did not heed the advice to wait at least 2 yrs between pregnancies and suffered a miscarriage and experienced harder and harder pregnancies with each child. I contribute this to having them too close together. Number two problem is that my husband's job requires that he is gone from home for weeks and months at a time so much of the time I am a single parent. The stress of this situation and the toll it takes on me with four young children and a ranch to care for caused my husband to say "no more children!" I am content to obey my husband!!! I do want to do what God wants, but in our situation I believe that this is best.
Bambi, your thoughts are so beautiful put :-) Thank you for sharing! I am curious about your views on infertility and how that would affect a couples decisions regarding letting God decide and how that would work for those couples dealing with infertility. especially when adoption may not be an option for them...
MOTURN,
Thanks for your comment. Being content to obey your husband is exactly what you should do and I'm thankful for your testimony in that. However, we can pray for our husbands. Appeal to them when we see them acting out of line with the scripture. If they continue to hold fast to their decision about no more children, then yes, by all means we shouldn't nag them or become bitter about that. We should move on and not dwell on it. My husband also, at one time, said no more children. The Lord changed his heart.
As far as your pregnancies getting harder and harder and suffering miscarriages...yes, that was a trial, I am sure. But there are many who have children less than two years apart who have not had the same experience. So. I am not saying that I don't believe having your children less than two years apart is what caused your difficult pregnancies/miscarriages (every person's physical body is different!) But that isn't the experience many others have had when their babies came close together.
Your husband being gone--again, very difficult. My husband is gone alot too, so I understand how you feel. But again, this is another matter of human reasoning and not thinking Biblically.
We too have struggled with this decision. I am praying for my husband right now... We have 3 under 5 right now and it's hard, very very hard but what he struggles with the most is feeling like he can't give enough to me and the three we have how in the world can we have more. He just doesn't feel like he's doing an adequate job now and to add more just throws him into panic mode :(
Hi Rebecca,
My views on infertility and letting God decide is this: He *has* decided. And resting in His plan is what you need to do, sister. Of course, you can pray for God to work and give you a child...and He is able! But being infertile is God's plan for you if not forever, then for now.
I do not know you or your specific situation or why adoption wouldn't be a possibility. But again, sometimes the Lord's ways are not ones we can understand. Rest in Him, study His Word and pray.
Just another thought: I know several women who think Biblically about children. They understand the eternal worth of a child and yet they have none of their own or their children are grown. Just because you have no birth children of your own doesn't mean God hasn't called you to think Biblically about them, or invest in the hearts of children around you--nephews, nieces, those in your church, etc. Love, Bambi
Oh, Bambi! I LOVE the way you answered Rebecca in the last paragraph of your response to her! YES, we need others who think Biblically about children to encourage our children (and us)! Christians all around my family usually have the world's distorted view of children, and that's what my kids hear much of the time. So, yes, PLEASE encourage those little ones (and older ones, too) around you. Just b/c you don't have children, does NOT mean that you don't have wisdom and encouragement to give. ~M.K.
Jessica Bish,
I understand. Really, I do. It *is* hard. It is hard for daddies as well as mommies. But if it were easy, why would it require faith in a loving God? Anytime we trust God and let go of (perceived) control it feels scary. Pray for your husband and wait on the Lord's timing.
Wonderfully written post. Thank you for speaking the truth on this. The Bible is clear that God alone creates life and he alone opens and closes the womb. We must trust Him. Thank you for your courage in discussing this. When my husband and I were in our late 20's someone had the courage to show us these truths, we are so thankful that the Lord used them. We now have 6 children. Praise God!
Hi Bambi, Praise the Lord that you are sharing these desperately needed truths!
I just found out last week that I am pregnant with my 4th, and have been very hesitant to share the news with others, knowing many will probably not be as happy as we are. You see, last February at this time, I had a 3 month old baby and received a breast cancer diagnosis. My oncologist had never heard of anyone who refused to use any kind of birth control methods during chemotherapy, but that's what we decided to do. Actually, our decision had been made when we were first married, and we decided that the Lord was in control of all things, even during this scary time of cancer.
As you talked about, Satan was trying to steal, kill, and destroy my life, and also the lives of any potential children that may come along. All my doctors were very concerned about the aggressiveness of this cancer. But I clung to the truths of the Bible, and I said "Jesus, You are the same yesterday, today, and forever. You healed all who came to you when You were on the earth. I am coming to you for healing also." And He gave me faith to believe. During chemotherapy, the tumor disappeared. After surgery, the pathology results came back with no cancerous cells AT ALL! In faith, I refused further treatment, although they told me they were trying to keep me alive, and insisted that I still needed radiation and 5 years of drugs. Much of this decision to refuse this was because of the impact it would have on childbearing.
So here I am, pregnant only 6 months after being healed by Jesus from cancer, and after refusing further treatment by faith, and thrilled to have a child on the way that would have never been conceived had I followed the advice of all the medical professionals around me. I get a bit concerned about responding graciously to those who feel this is too soon, or irresponsible, but I trust that the Lord will help me just as He did when I went against the flow with medical treatment as well.
God is faithful, and He has truly turned into good what Satan meant for evil. I LOVE the quote from Nancy Leigh DeMoss! This article has been a big blessing to me today, full of reminders of why God has given me this child at a time that is very surprising to those around me.
God has truly blessed you, and He will continue! Keep the faith! -Erica
What an AMAZING testimony! Thank you for sharing that!
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